cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
