God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
