I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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