Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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