Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
