I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
