Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
