Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
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So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic