i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
