i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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