new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
