2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
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