i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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