She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
