Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
