Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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