Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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