Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
