actually, I'm a sock model
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I could fuck to npr.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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