Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
