I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
