Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
