Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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