Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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