the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
