Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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