You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
