I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
