Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
