Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
