if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
