I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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