I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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