conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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