I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
