just tell him i said nine months
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
