saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
