He had one of those small greek statue penises
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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