Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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