shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
