I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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