either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
