She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
