so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
