so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
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I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
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I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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