I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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