so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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