i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Let's get the cat blown out
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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