Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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