It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
