So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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