apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
