i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
