so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
