it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
