my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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