Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
