There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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